IUPAC Names Suck But Let’s Apply Them To Naruto To Make Them Such Less

The bane of every STEM student’s life is Organic Chemistry. Nobody goes through that class the same; it is well known for weeding students out, leaving the remainder either scarred forever or brainwashed into minoring in chemistry.

There are ways that our teaching of Organic Chemistry could be changed to make it suck a lot less, and the most obvious would be to drop or severely reduce the focus on naming organic molecules according to IUPAC (the International Union of Pure and Applied Chemistry) conventions. You can ask any teacher’s assistant doing research in chemistry; if you have a bigass molecule and need to indicate its structure, you Google it or draw it out, and if you’re the first one to synthesize that molecule, you name it something simple like Fred.

Alas, Organic Chemistry students are dragged through what can only be the most painfully arbitrary set of complicated rules and exceptions they will ever have to learn, with the possible exception of learning how to count in Japanese or how to spell in English. I was no exception. So how is a young innocent mind to handle a burning hatred for naming molecules?

You apply it to something ridiculous and remind yourself you only need a C to pass.

One of the characters I roleplay as on Twitter is capable of using a technique known Susanoo, a skill from the Naruto anime and manga which essentially summons a demon around the user’s body for protection. It’s not really a demon, it’s a protector made of chakra, which is usually invisible, but the Susanoo happens to look like a skeletal demon because reasons. Don’t question it.

Without further ado, I present to you: The IUPAC naming convention as applied to Susanoos, or as I like to it, FU-PAC (Fun Usage of Pure and Applied Chemistry and totally not an implicit middle finger to whoever marked my midterm down because I said used “-ic acid” instead of “-carboxylic acid.”)

[body type] [orientation]-[Hand][weapon]-[# of limbs][other]

Body type:

  • Ribcage only: Alpha
  • Bust, but headless: Beta
  • Bust: Delta
  • Abdomen: Gamma
  • Bipedal: Omega
  • Quadrupedal: Phi
  • Actually it’s three ribcages around each other to protect the user from fall damage because screw you I’ll make what I want: Zeta

Ideally, only one of these would apply.

Orientation of collar bones, if applicable:

  • Collar bones are parallel: cis
  • Collar bones cross: trans

This only applies if there are two or more collar bones.

Number of limbs:

From zero to ten: Null, Meth, Eth, Prop, But, Pent, Hex, Hept, Oct, Noc, Dec

Weapons, if applicable, starting from the collar bone which forms the top left arm, then the arm underneath that, etc:

  • Unarmed on both: Free
  • Shashka on one: Russo
  • Shield on one: Protego
  • Shaska and shield: Thrace (from Thracian gladiators)
  • Net on one: Fisher
  • Trident on one: Nepto (from Neptune)
  • Net and trident: Retiarri (from Retiarri gladiators)
  • Drill on one: Kamina (from Gurren Lagenn)

Weapon on what hand:

  • Shashka or trident or drill on right: R
  • Shashka or trident or drill on left: S
  • Net or shied on right (no weapon): +
  • Net or shield on left (no weapon): –

Other features:

  • N/A: yl
  • Shatters on impact: sha
  • Shoulder armor: sho
  • Dynamic armor: dya

Example:

Version used to fight Aoide: Omega freepropyl

Used to defeat a dinosaur when with Panther: Delta (S)-Russoethyl

Current favorite form: Omega trans-(R)-thrace-free-hexsho

 

This just goes to show that sometimes the boring stuff you learn in school can be applied to cooler stuff in a way that will make people question your sanity and/or amount of free time.